The moment I knew
As a mama, the moment that you find out you are pregnant, you are on alert. You are caring for your child as they grow inside your belly. Overwhelm with expectation and excitement, but fearful of a misarrange or complications during pregnancy. Then labor occurs and you are so grateful that your little one is in your arms, safe and sound. You protect them as they grow and learn, help them when they crawl, walk, read, ride a bike, …. the list goes on and on. But as a mama, the mama bear is protecting and keeping a watchful eye to ensure their are always safe and sound.
For me, my greatest fear was always getting a call that my child had been hurt or in an accident…
I do not think anything could have prepared me for the moment when I received the call no mama ever wants to receive… the call to gather our family and rush to the hospital. The emotions of that call are still so vivid to me today.
I recall quickly gathering items to take with us to the hospital, as we though that we would be at the hospital with our son as he was recovering… We had no idea what to expect, we only knew that our son had been shot. The drive to the hospital was frantic and felt like an eternity… we made phone calls during our drive to gather the family and to try and tame our nerves…
We arrived to the emergency room, seeking our son and the doctor we spoke with… wondering where he was, what his condition was, wanting to talk with our son….. but this is where our nightmare grew darker…. no one could locate our son. We were told that our son was not in the emergency room. We were told that that doctor we spoke to was not available. We were then directed to go to the main hospital to see if he was in the main hospital… But no one knew of him or where he was.
After several minutes, two people arrived in the hospital lobby and ask to speak with us. They asked us to follow them back into the emergency room and placed my husband and I in a small room. They let us know that they would be brining in the doctor for us, but wanted to know if we would like the hospital clergy to join us…..
The moment we knew………
That our son was not in surgery,
The moment we knew….
He was not in a recovery room making people laugh,
The moment we knew….
Our son had already left earth for heaven.
The moment we knew….
This would be the last time we would see our son, hold his hand, run our fingers through his curly locks, pray over his physical body.
The moment we knew….
That while processing our own shock and grief….. we had deliver the news to our family, to his brother, and to the world.
The moment I knew…… I was pregnant
I started to write a story of my life and what it would look like as my children grow, become adults and have children of their own. My dreams of cookie baking, holidays, family vacations and celebrating new milestones…
The story I wrote never includes planning our sons funeral. It doesn’t include wishing for one last moment, conversation, hug, or I love you. It didn’t include writing new chapters of my life without our son.
The moment I knew, our son had traveled onto heaven, was the moment I knew that he was exactly where he should be. It is also the moment that I realized that I was not the author of my story or the story of our children, but rather God is.
You see, as a believer, my story did not end with my grief and loss of my son.
The moment I knew that I could not rewrite my story or even attempt to add a chapter without my son….
The was the moment I knew that I could release my expectations and rely on Author of my life to write a new story of transformation and healing.
At this moment I know, I will see my son again.
Love you to Heaven and back my son!